The advent of the text message opened new worlds in the dating sphere, and you may need some guidance in navigating it as you try to get with her.
Here are some good tips to help you seduce her with your perfectly crafted texts.
But first, a quick but important warning before the list starts, do not send a picture of your penis. Just don’t.
1. Start With a Vague Text
What is a vague text? A “Hey” or even a blank text will show you if she’s interested. If she’s not, getting an empty text from you won’t make her think, “I better text him back,” but rather, “Wonder what this is. Oh well,” and then you’re back out of her thoughts.
Also, a vague text leaves you open to lots of different conversational possibilities rather than starting with something specific, like, “Did you go to the Jesse Reyez show the other night?” If she did, great. If she didn’t, you’ll get back a “No,” and that will be that.
On the other hand, “Hey” (not— we repeat NOT “U up?”) gives her an open-ended question to answer, which is always better than a yes-or-no, and she’ll talk about what she wants to talk about. Bonus? It will give her the impression that you’re listening. Women love being heard.
2. Don't Text Back Right Away
So much has changed in the dating world since the advent of smartphones, texting, dating apps, and social media. But one thing that hasn’t changed is that you have to avoid exuding desperation, and few behaviors give off more desperate vibes than texting her back immediately.
There used to be a rule in some circles that when you got a girl’s number, you waited to call her for a day or two. While you shouldn’t wait days to respond to a text (“He left me on read for three days? Oh, he’s got a prayer”), texting back instantly may convey neediness that you don’t intend.
But perception is reality. Even if you’re texting her back immediately because you’re excited to hear from her and can’t wait to chat, she may think, “What are you, sitting around watching your phone? Adios, señor.”
Whether it’s true or not, a linguist at Columbia University posits that women use emojis more than men, which may explain why men seem to shy away from them. Most of us have been made fun of by our friends at least once for sending an emoji unironically.
But you need to use that to your advantage. There are several trains of thought you can set off by using emojis, such as:
“Emojis? He’s so much more expressive than other guys!”
“He seems like he’s in touch with his emotions.”
“Other guys don’t use those. Maybe this is him being vulnerable.”
Any of those impressions is a great one to make, and if she thinks all three things, even better.
Avoid the eggplant emoji (most women hate it) and the gushing water emoji (too graphic, too gross), and for heaven’s sake, don’t put them back-to-back.
One caveat about emojis: if you use them, she will expect you to be able to understand and interpret hers. If you’ve seen James Cordon’s Emoji News section, you know some emoji use can be inscrutable.
You run the risk of her sending a string of digital picture-lets that mean nothing to you. Then you’ll either have to risk interpreting incorrectly or ‘fess up that your emoji game isn’t exactly fire.
4. Be Cute With Autocorrect Mistakes
Everybody’s had an autocorrect fail. Sometimes they’re unfortunate, and sometimes they’re hilarious. Use this to your advantage.
Autocorrect gaffes come up most often when you’re texting quickly and don’t double-check what your phone has decided it thinks you’re trying to fail. So if you’re engaging a woman well via text message, an autocorrect flub on her part is a good sign.
Past that, a good, funny autocorrect fail allows an opening for you to tease her playfully (never mean-spiritedly). So if she texts, “Nothing, just watching ‘America’s Got Tourette’s,” then quickly follows up with “TALENT! I’m watching ‘America’s Got TALENT” you’ve got the option of teasing her about how you really don’t think Tourette’s has reached pandemic proportions.
Just remember that if you dish it, you’ve got to take it, so when you text that you were fondling the landlady when you were trying to type “folding the laundry,” she’s going to roast you for it, especially if you’ve already done the same thing to her. Keep in mind that someone who can dish it out but can’t take it is often a narcissist. Don’t be a narcissist.
5. Only Text at Appropriate Times
Earlier, we discouraged the “U up?” text. Part of the problem is that it’s presumptuous and disrespectful, but another issue with it is that a text like that often comes through after 2:00 am. If you’re trying to seduce a woman over text, you’re probably not opening with a booty call.
But if you’re sending her messages after midnight, you might give her the impression that you’re asking for that sort of thing, which can go wrong for you. Even if she doesn’t think that, she probably doesn’t want a 3:16 am “Hey, how’s it going?” text. It was going well until some doofus texted her and woke her up from a deep sleep.
The more you get to know her, she may be sharing her plans for the day now and then. If you know she will be a bridesmaid Saturday evening, don’t text her at 5:45. She’ll either be getting ready for the wedding or participating in it.
For one thing, she won’t answer, and for another, she may get the impression that you weren’t paying attention when she told you about the service or that you just didn’t care that she was busy. You don’t want her to think any of those things about you. If she does, this whole seduction thing you’re working on is pretty unlikely to unfold the way you want it to.
Yeah, yeah, we just said not to text too late. But if you (and she) tend to hit the hay around the same time, you’ll do well to send a short “Good night” text. Don’t write her a novel. But sending a short missive tells her you’re thinking of her. Who doesn’t want to know that? And it keeps you in her thoughts.
7. Don't Be Impatient
Yes, being left on read sucks. But you know what sucks for her? When you’ve texted her (while she was at work, maybe, even though we’ve already explicitly discussed appropriate times to text her), then texted her again because she didn’t respond, and then again because she still hasn’t said anything back.
How often have you enjoyed picking up your phone and seeing that you missed eight messages from the same person? Not how often has it happened, but how often did it make you happy?
You probably thought to yourself— or even said out loud— something like, “OMG I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING.” And then you kind of resent whoever it was. Right?
Don’t be that guy. Her lack of response can tell you much that you need to know.
“I’m sorry I didn’t respond, but we were in a meeting at work” two hours after your text means she saw your message and thought enough of you to explain that she wasn’t just ignoring you.
Long-term silence tells you she’s not feeling it, and you should probably spend your time and effort elsewhere.
A ten-minute lag in response means the girl’s got a life, and that’s good.
Do you really want her to respond instantly to your every communication? Wouldn’t that tend to give off the desperation vibes you already tried not to give her by texting her back immediately every time? She might have read this article and is following the same advice. You don’t know her life.
Be patient. She’ll text back when she can, or she won’t, and then you’ll have your answer.
8. Balance Short but Sweet
One downfall of texting is the lack of non-verbal cues that help convey your meaning. Misunderstandings and miscommunications via text happen often. If you send something sarcastic, but she doesn’t realize you’re playing around (because she can’t see your face or hear the tone of your voice), she might feel stung.
Along those lines, short answers can send the wrong message:
SHE:Hey, handsome. How was your day?
HE:Good.
Short and to the point, sure, but do you see the possibility of her thinking you’re unhappy about something or, worse, uninterested?
Don’t plan on sending her lines and lines and lines of text. But don’t write with such brevity that she misinterprets your intentions. And it’s an easy fix:
SHE:Hey, handsome. How was your day?
HE:Good, beautiful. You?
Thirteen additional characters and you’ve complimented her and shown interest in her day. She’ll love it, even if she says something like, “Beautiful? No way.” Sure, she’ll only write that to see you text it again, but what’s wrong with that?
9. Try to Avoid Bad Grammar or Errors
“Your” and “you’re” mean different things. She knows that. You do, too. Or at least you should. So “Your so funny” will be annoying to her at best. At worst, it will cause her to close the book on you. Skeptical? Don’t be, because a recent survey found that most women expressed the opinion that bad grammar was a bigger turn-off than bad sex.
Don’t confuse “there,” “their,” and “they’re,” and make sure your subjects and verbs agree in number. And don’t ever use “I” with a possessive: “My boss came to Mike and I’s office today.” That is not a thing. Don’t do it. Ever.
10. Use Words From Different Languages
A shortcut to showing your cultured side, dropping in a word or two— sparingly— from another language can say, “I’m well-rounded, I’m a bit travelled, and I’m smart, n'est-ce pas?”
Overuse will connote that you went to a crusty private boarding school and want everyone to know how smart you are. There’s nothing wrong with a school like that or with being smart, but no one wants it shoved in their face every time they pick up their phone.
11. Always Be Respectful
Too many men jump too fast into sexting. Sexting is tricky. It can more negatively affect women than men through intimidation and pressure, but past that, jumping too quickly from getting-to-know-you small talk to innuendo and outright dirty talk can turn her off quickly.
Keep these two things in mind when texting a woman (or anyone, really):
Don’t text anything you wouldn't want someone saying to your sister.
Never text anything you wouldn't want to be read aloud in open court. Because that happens.
“Are you saying I can’t send my wife a dirty text during the day?” No, we are not saying that. We’re talking about seducing a woman via text messages, which implies that you don’t have an intimate relationship with her yet.
A new acquaintance you’re trying to get to know and get closer to? Keep it clean. If the conversation turns blue, make sure she’s the one who sent it in that direction.
12. Make Sure Jokes Are Clear
We touched on this a bit earlier— the ease with which things can be taken the wrong way. If you’re going to text her a joke, a sarcastic jab, a tease, make sure she knows you’re kidding. Remember that talk about emojis? Use a smiley face, the face with tears of joy, or the upside-down emoji to indicate your humorous intent.
Yes, explaining a joke usually kills it, but better that than hurting her feelings because she thinks you’re being a jerk rather than kidding around with her.
13. Use Cute Nicknames but Explain Why
Using a nickname is an excellent way of showing affection and is a good barometer of how into a person someone is. If her name is Jennifer, we don’t mean a nickname like Jen, which she probably goes by anyway. Instead, a nickname that fits and tells her that you have been paying attention.
Say she went to a high school with a big wrestling program, and she was part of that program as a mat maid. Calling her “Mat Maid” instead of Melissa is, first of all, adorable, and second, will show her that you’ve been paying attention to her stories.
If it’s a nickname that’s a bit more obscure, make sure she gets it. Don’t just start calling her Spurlock without explanation, lest she thinks you just don’t know her name.
14. Be Somewhat Spontaneous
If she’s into you, she wants to hear from you. A spontaneous text message— “OMG the subway is a who’s who of the criminally insane”— lets her hear from you out of nowhere and maybe gives her a little smile in the middle of her day.
That said, do not inundate her. She probably doesn't want to be the beta tester for your standup material.
15. No Selfies
Everybody’s met a douchebag. She doesn’t want texts from a douchebag. When you send her pictures of yourself, you risk giving the impression that you are one.
Of course, if she asks you for a picture, oblige her. But don’t send her— solicited or not— a photo of you shirtless on the beach, flexing in your banana hammock. Nobody wants to see that. On the off chance that she does, she’ll ask for it. For the love of all that’s holy, don’t surprise her with a photo like that.
16. Absolutely No D Picks
Men are visual creatures. We desperately want to see women naked. It doesn't matter how many women we’ve seen naked in person, in pictures, or on television. So lots of us assume that women want to see as many naked men as possible.
They. Do. Not.
Many women appreciate the penis, and many like to look at one. But they do not want to see your junk before they get to know you.
Sending a photo like this shows that you are more interested in sex than love or a relationship or getting to know her. And if you’re thinking, “If I send her this, surely she’ll send me a picture of her boobs,” you are wrong.
Do not send unsolicited D pics, and before you argue, refer to number 11 above.
17. Don't Ask Her for Photos
Along the same lines, if she wants you to have a picture of her on your phone, she’ll send you one. Women know what men do when they’re alone, and if you’re asking for a picture with or without nudity in it (but you know better than to ask for nudes, right?), she may wonder if you intend to use it for THAT.
“Gross,” she will think. And she will be right. Kinda creepy, man.
18. Use Popular Quotes
Like dropping in a word or phrase from another language, using a famous quote can show your well-rounded nature. Just be sure to quote correctly.
For instance, when she mentions beer, don’t text, “Ben Franklin said that beer is proof that God loves us,” because he didn’t. What he wrote (in French) in a letter was, “Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards, and which incorporates itself with the grapes to be changed into WINE; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy!”
Doesn’t it bother you when someone misquotes somebody to you? Why wouldn’t it annoy her, too?
Also, do it sparingly. Peppering every message with someone else’s words reeks of “I can’t think of anything to say on my own.”
19. Use Flirting Strategically
Some flirting techniques work well in texts, while others— touching her arm when you talk to her, for instance— are impractical. You know the tools available to you, but that doesn’t mean you need to hit her with a fire hose of flirty behavior with every text you send.
She may want a break from that kind of thing in favor of actual conversation. Flirt with her, but do it sparingly. Too much of it might send the message that you’re only interested in one thing, and that thing doesn’t have anything to do with emotional connection, which is what many women want more than (or at least before) sex.
20. Be Honest With Your Feelings
Be careful with this one. Don’t pledge your undying love to her after the third text. But if you like her, tell her so. We all like the flirting game, and those first few days and weeks of a new relationship are intoxicating, but people like knowing where they stand. If you like her, tell her. If you’re sad about something, express it.
Most people don’t want to guess what a potential partner feels. Plus, if she’s not feeling the same way, you can learn that sooner rather than later, cut your losses, and search elsewhere.
21. Reminisce About a Good Time You Had With Her
If you met her at a party and you both had a great time, bring that night up from time to time. Women want to know that you value the time you spend with them, and sending a text about a shared memory will show her you think about things other than sex with her. That’s an essential thing for any woman to know.
Take the time to remind her of moments you’ve spent together. She’ll appreciate it.
Wrapping Up
Text messages can be valuable tools in your quest for a relationship or whatever you’re after with this woman. Just remember:
No D pics.
Be kind.
Flirt, but make sure she knows you’re teasing.
Use good grammar and spelling.
Be considerate and respectful.
Don’t blow up her phone with dirty talk.
What are you waiting for? Her number’s in your phone. Get going.
Lauren Cook-McKay is the Vice President of Marketing at DivorceAnswers.com. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) from the University of San Diego and applies her training in private practice to helping couples struggling in their marriage. She believes there is hope in all marriages and strives to provide therapy to couples that will lead them back towards a loving marriage, or an amicable divorce that brings peace and closure.
