It’s all too easy for married life to become mundane at times, especially when it comes to sex. If you’re having less than you’d like, you’re probably looking for new ways to initiate sex with your husband.
In many cases, initiating sex is easier said than done. Maybe you’re afraid of rejection–is there anything worse than your husband not being in the mood? Perhaps you feel awkward about expressing your desires, or maybe your husband is always the one who gets the party started.
Whatever the case may be, know that you have the power to initiate exciting, passionate sexual encounters. And if you’re not usually the one to get things going, this change of roles can be super sexy. If you’re ready to take the reins, keep reading for some inspiration.
25 Spicy Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Husband
We’ve put together a list of 25 ways to initiate sex with your husband. They include a variety of tips, ranging from physical to emotional. No matter what your personality or sexual style, you’re sure to find one that works for you.
1. Say What You Want
The first tip is the most obvious, and it’s to say what you want.
There are endless ways to tell your husband you want to have sex with him, and sometimes blatant is best. “I want to have sex with you” will do the trick. You can also ask him if he wants to join you in the bedroom, or let him know that you’ve got a craving that only he can satisfy.
Men love hearing how much you want them, so hearing you express your desire like this is likely to be exciting for them.
2. Don’t Say Anything
Conversely, sometimes words are a burden. If you’re in the “less is more” camp when it comes to verbalizing your desires, don't say anything at all. Instead, let your hands–or lips–do all the talking.
This strategy works well for anyone shy about dirty talk. All you have to do is come up from behind your husband and let your hands roam his body. Be direct with your touches–you don’t want to leave any room for doubt. Or grab him and pull him into the bedroom. He’ll definitely get the hint.
3. Kiss Him Passionately
Never underestimate the power of a kiss. And no, we’re not talking about a peck on the lips. We’re talking about a deep, passionate kiss–you know, the kind of kissing you did when you were first getting to know one another. It’s easy to forget about making out when you’re married, but it’s an excellent precursor to sex.
So the next time he comes home, forget your normal “welcome home” smooch and go for a deep kiss. He’ll figure out pretty quickly that sex is on your agenda.
4. Stop Overthinking Things
It’s easy to get inside our heads when initiating sex. Does the following internal dialogue sound familiar: It’s getting late. What if the kids wake up? Do we have enough time? Do I even want to have sex now? I still need to clean the kitchen.
These thoughts will kill your desire for sex just about every time. So stop overthinking things, and listen to your body when the urge strikes. Kiss him, grab him, or use one of the other ideas on this list. Just go with the flow when you feel in the mood.
5. Sext Him
Think sexting is just for teenagers? Think again. Sending him a suggestive text in the morning when he’s at work is a highly effective way of initiating sex. It creates anticipation throughout the day, especially if you keep that playful banter going.
Of course, only sext things you’re comfortable with. Are nudes not your thing? Tell him in explicit detail what you want to do to him instead. Or simply tell him that you have a special sexy surprise for him when he gets home from work.
A word of caution to those who are comfortable sending more risque pictures–be careful when you send them. Though sexting is commonplace, you definitely want to avoid an embarrassing Not-Safe-for-Work (NSFW) moment.
6. Leave a Sexy Note
If you’re more of the analog type, you may prefer to leave your husband a sexy note instead.
Seeing erotic thoughts in your handwriting can be incredibly arousing, not to mention unexpected. Leave your note somewhere he’ll find it when he’s not with you. A place he’s least expecting is the best. Try his lunchbox or briefcase. You may also want to leave the note on his mirror or on his seat in the car.
Be creative, and make your intentions clear.
7. Put It on the Schedule
Planned sexual encounters may sound less than exciting, and there is absolutely a place for spontaneity. But between work, children, and finding time to socialize, sometimes planning sex is the best way to let him know you want it–and ensure that it happens.
For many couples, a weekly standing sex date is the key to keeping the romance alive. Some even find that this method creates more anticipation around the event. To up the ante, discuss things you plan to try during your next sex date or sext each other about the great night you’ll have later.
If you’ve been thinking about trying out a new toy in the bedroom–or introducing them–there’s no time like the present. Take the plunge and get whatever it is you’ve been eyeing. Then leave it on the bed, and tell your husband you want to show him something. When he finds that new sex toy on the bed, he’ll get the message.
Alternatively, let him know you’re in the market for a new toy and ask if he wants to accompany you to the sex shop. Not only are sex shops fun, but you may also end up with some surprise purchases.
9. Book a Hotel Room
Have you ever noticed that sex is more exciting when you’re on vacation? There’s nothing like doing it somewhere besides your bedroom to ramp things up.
But what if your next getaway is months away? No problem–create a temporary change of scenery! Book a beautiful hotel room somewhere nearby, and tell your husband you can’t wait to get away with him for the night. Make sure to pack any lingerie or toys you need for a fun-filled night.
10. Talk About Past Encounters
Foreplay is fantastic, but there are many other ways to get in the mood. Talking about sex is one of them.
Bring up things that you liked about past sexual encounters. Be specific. Tell your husband about that position you loved, or that thing he did that he doesn’t often do. You can also reminisce about steamy sessions you had when you were a new couple or daring places you’ve had sex.
By having these conversations, you’ll let him know that you’re thinking about him sexually. You’ll probably also give him some ideas for future sessions, which is never a bad thing.
11. Have Sex in the Morning
Did you know that a man’s sex drive is higher in the morning? Maybe you can pounce on him while he’s got the morning wood. You may have already noticed this, and it’s especially true if he’s had a deep sleep. Take advantage of this fact and start his day off on the right foot by initiating sex in bed.
For many couples, the AM is an ideal time to get it on. You’re already in bed, so you don’t have to deal with coordinating schedules. You’re probably well rested, and if you’re normally a “sex in the evening” couple, you’re sure to get a reaction.
12. Dress for Success
Never underestimate the power of clothing to communicate your desires. Nothing says “I want to have sex with you” quite like appearing in some lingerie. Get something new or grab that set that’s been hidden at the back of your drawer for months. You can also give him a hint by donning that revealing yet little-worn outfit you reserve for special occasions.
13. Get Wet
Getting wet together is a fantastic lead-in to steamy sex. Next time your husband’s in the shower, jump in there with him. Lather him up–all of him–and let him know you want to take the party to the bed afterward.
You can also ask him if he wants to take a shower with you. Once you’re there, kiss him deeply and let your hands wander. Or you can communicate your desire by “forgetting” to get dressed after your shower.
The shower lends itself to sex in many ways, so don’t be afraid to use your imagination.
14. Give Him a Massage
Massages are a tried and true way to initiate sex with your husband.
Tell him he’s due for a rub-down and bring out any massage oils if you have them. Start with non-erogenous areas like the neck and shoulders to soothe any sore spots. Once you’ve tackled those areas, keep going until you get to his more sensitive parts. He’ll be both relaxed and ramped up by the time you get to the bedroom.
15. Go on a Date
Some women have a difficult time initiating sex because they feel a lack of connection to their partner. If this description sounds like you, setting aside some special time together can help you feel closer.
An excellent way to strengthen your bond is by going on a date. Use this time to talk and reconnect–and not just about what the kids are doing. Feeling close again may be just what you need to set the stage for romance.
16. Ask Him
Ask and you shall receive! This tip is so obvious it’s easy to forget. But there’s nothing wrong with simply asking your husband how he’d like for you to initiate sex.
It might be best to have this conversation when you’re fully clothed. Talking in a non-sexual situation removes the pressure, which can help him open up. Maybe he has a specific fantasy that he’s never shared. And even if he doesn’t, you could brainstorm some things you’d like to try together.
It’s easy to feel powerless when it comes to your libido. You might think of it as something that comes and goes, but it’s possible to harness the power of your mind.
The best way to do so? Keep sex on your mind as much as possible. Think about sex and plan for it. Maintain energy for it. Put it in your private agenda and set goals for how many times you’ll initiate per month. Make sex active and not passive.
18. Try Something New
Is there a new position you’ve been wanting to try? Maybe you’re interested in doing some role play with your husband.
Whatever it is, tell him about it the next time you’re having a relaxed conversation. You may be surprised by the results. Talking about sex is sexy, and you might just end up in the bedroom afterward.
But even if you don’t, the conversation is an excellent way to gauge his interest. If he’s game, make a trip together to get any necessary props or clothes. Or you can just figure out how you’ll get into that crazy new position.
19. Get Naked
If you want to make your intentions crystal clear, a tried-and-true way to initiate sex is to get naked. This method is excellent if you’re someone who has trouble with verbal or physical cues. So strip down and wait for him in bed at night, or greet him at the door in your birthday suit when he comes home from work.
Believe it or not, men want to feel wanted too. Sure, you have sex to satisfy your needs. But if sex were just about satisfaction, you’d have it with just anybody.
So make a point to tell him how much you desire him specifically. Compliment his physique, tell him how much he means to you, how much he turns you on, etc. These kinds of comments are especially vital if his love language is words of affirmation.
21. Engage in Some PDA
It doesn’t have to be anything inappropriate, but engaging in some Public Displays of Affection (PDA) is an excellent way to tell your spouse that sex is on your mind. A little canoodling in front of others shows him how much you want him, and what’s sexier than that? You’ll both be in the mood by the time you get home.
22. Address Your Insecurities
Men have an unfair reputation as being ready for sex 24/7, but their needs fluctuate just like women’s needs do. It’s critical to understand that sometimes he won’t want to have sex.
So if he’s too stressed or tired to make love, remember that it’s nothing personal (as long as it’s not happening every time). And if your insecurities are making you too afraid to initiate sex, it’s time to address them. Talk to a trusted friend or professional to help you build that confidence.
When your space is less than sexy, initiating sex might be more difficult. After all, nothing kills the mood quite like large piles of laundry, an unmade bed, or the feeling of rough old sheets beneath you. Take inventory of your bedroom and see if you can make any upgrades. Or at the very least, tidy up a little.
24. Go Kid-free
Getting in the mood is challenging when kids are around. When you have babies or toddlers, you feel the burden of them needing you all the time. They may even still sleep in your room. If they’re older, you’re probably nervous about them knocking on the door while you’re going at it.
But having children doesn’t mean that your sex life has to be nonexistent. If you can, send them to their grandparents’ house for the night (or an evening) and tell your husband exactly what that kid-free time is for.
If they don’t have grandparents close by, you may have to get more creative to find uninterrupted alone time. Take advantage of playdates and soccer practices to be intimate.
25. Show Enthusiasm
The final tip to initiating sex with your husband is to show enthusiasm about doing the deed.
No one wants to feel like sex is a chore, so check your body language and make sure it’s communicating the right message. Crossed arms or a lack of eye contact are no-nos.
Check your actual language too, and ditch phrases like, “I guess it’s time, right?” or “We can if you want to.” You’re probably ruining the romantic mood with these things, so swap them for more enthusiastic language. It doesn’t have to be anything fake, but you need to show your husband that you’re game for lovemaking.
Final Thoughts
There you have it–25 fun ways how to initiate sex with your husband. Now get out there and give one of them (or ten) a try! And remember, this list is just a jumping-off point. Use your imagination and have fun!
Lauren Cook-McKay is the Vice President of Marketing at DivorceAnswers.com. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) from the University of San Diego and applies her training in private practice to helping couples struggling in their marriage. She believes there is hope in all marriages and strives to provide therapy to couples that will lead them back towards a loving marriage, or an amicable divorce that brings peace and closure.
