If you are currently looking for the love of your life, you probably don't have your eyes on a narcissist. But, if you’re reading this chances are you may already be dating, married to, or friends with somebody that is.
Learn what fuels the fires of a narcissist and understand their actions to benefit you in the bedroom. And out of the bedroom.
The Mayo Clinic defines narcissism as “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.”
These traits make it easy to identify a narcissist on the surface. Underneath, these people have deep-rooted low self-esteem, and feelings of inferiority. In reality, they are incredibly vulnerable and do not do well with criticism.
As you can imagine, this type of personality can be challenging. Sexually it can be overwhelming. But, learning why narcissists are turned on can help you navigate your interactions.
Whether you’re entering into a relationship with a narcissist, are already in one, or are trying to avoid one.
1. They want you to be charmed by them
Narcissists need constant praise and admiration. If you fall for their masterful flirtatious advances, you are filling their gas tank.
The more impressed and smitten you seem by their actions the more confident they will become. And the more they will want to be around you. If you bat your eyes and look at them in awe, they will think they can do no wrong.
Let’s say that you and some friends are out at happy hour one evening. You’ve had your eyes on a guy for a while now. But he never seems to give you the time of day.
He comes over to chat with some other folks sitting at your table. He mentions something about helping his mom out earlier that day.
This is your in. All you have to do is act smitten with the idea of a guy taking the time out of his day to help his mom clean out the garage. He then may keep going with the idea of how helpful he is with her, grandma, and so on.
Keep acting impressed. He will eventually be talking to just you about his greatness, and there you go. He’s in the bag.
2. They want constant praise on their sexual prowess
Everybody would like to think that they do it better than the rest. Sex is no different. Prowess means a great skill or ability. Sexual prowess implies that you have sex better than everybody else around.
Sexual prowess is a must for a narcissist. So reminding them of their fantastic ability at the said task will light them up. Because, deep down, their self-esteem is low.
Narcissists will want a constant flow of praise that their ability to please you is above and beyond.
Are you looking to get hot and sweaty with a narcissist, and you can’t seem to spark their interest?
Try tossing them statements like, “I bet you’re a great lover.” Or “Nobody has ever given me an orgasm like you did last night.” That's sure to get their wheels turning.
If you have already landed them in bed and a guy suddenly seems to be losing stamina mid-act, start throwing out praise by letting him know that he’s the best you’ve ever had.
This should wake him up. Looking to get out of there asap? Tell him he’s the worst, and his lovemaking for the night will be over.
3. They want to pressure you to push your boundaries
This type of personality gets off being the only reason you decide to try something new or different. Think new job, a new hobby, or, uh, anal sex.
If they convince you to do it, whether you like it or not, they will feel satisfied, powerful, and in control.
Being in control is essential for narcissists. Because they believe they are more important and deserve more attention. It’s easy to tease them in this regard and play into whatever controlling action they are throwing at you.
For example, maybe you ARE into anal sex or have wanted to try it. Instead of making this idea clear, act like you are downright repulsed by it.
Or at least aren’t sure or ready to go through with it just yet. Then, wait for them to convince you that it is the best thing since sliced bread. Make them work at it a little.
When they have exhausted themselves and you with their entire spiel, simply say OK! I’m in. They will think they just won the presidential election.
They did it, they convinced you to do the unheard of, and now, everybody wins.
4. They want to sexually gaslight you
So, first of all, let’s talk about gaslighting and what it is exactly. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation. It can appear in many different ways though you may be most familiar with the term regarding politics.
The person doing the gaslighting is tricking you into doing something you are either unaware of or wouldn’t normally do. Or, the person gaslights you into thinking there is something wrong with you or that something is your fault.
Let’s be honest. Whether you’re into a narcissist or not, nobody wants the wool pulled over their eyes.
A classic example of gaslighting in a relationship is a person saying, “You’re crazy,” “You’re being crazy,” or “I would never do that. You’re losing your mind.” We are all a little crazy at times.
If you’re a woman, it’s almost guaranteed that you have experienced this at some point.
So if somebody tells you that you’re crazy enough times, you will begin to question yourself. For example, a guy is cheating on you, and you keep accusing him of it.
He keeps denying it and saying that you’re crazy. Eventually, you think maybe he’s right, and he gets away with it. Gaslighting.
Sexual gaslighting happens when the person in control does something to coerce you to perform sexual acts without you being aware that you gave consent.
I could see a narcissist wanting to sexually gaslight a person into having a threesome. For example, you are at a party and meet a person you find interesting. You find yourself talking to them quite a bit, and you’re proud, maybe you met a new friend.
You tell your partner about the person, and they become engaged as well.
Before you know it, you’re a little bit wasted and find yourself having a threesome with your partner and this new pal. This is not typical for you, nor is being wasted. T
he next day you’re questioning what happened.
Your partner simply says, “It was your idea. You couldn’t stop talking about them. I figured that’s what you wanted. It was great, though, wasn’t it? We should do that again sometime.”
Your partner did it. They convinced you to believe that it was all your idea. They are beside themselves with success.
5. They want to put on a sexual show
This can be seen in a few different ways. For example, dressing provocatively to ensure the attention of all who lay eyes on them. Whether it’s simply a tease or not. Or showing off for you because they believe they are the cat’s pajamas.
Your partner has been talking about handcuffs, lingerie, ice cubes, and whipped cream. And they have got you intrigued, maybe even excited.
Unfortunately, when the time comes, they seem to be feeling too fat for their lingerie, forget the whipped cream, and the ice maker is broken. You never see the handcuffs, but they assure you that next time will be a party.
We all know those people who are all talk, but what about the people who are all show? You know, the type that gets all the attention just to turn themself on, give themself that boost and then go home alone with their new fantasies.
6. They want to discuss their sexual desires, NOT yours
Not surprised, huh? This is a classic example of having no empathy and being completely self-centered. If you’re dating a narcissist, I recommend choosing which sexual desires you relate to.
Then by pleasing your partner, they are by default pleasing you as well.
Otherwise, you could spend years satisfying these sexual fantasies. Maybe sex in an elevator is your fantasy, and hers is sex on the beach.
Before you know it, you’re headed for a one-story ocean-front bungalow. And, once again, your high-rise dreams will have to wait until next time.
Getting away with just about anything either brings you a sense of guilt or satisfaction. Those that feel satisfaction might become addicted to this feeling.
They lie, get away with it. They feel excitement and pleasure. They lie again.
They may lie solely to make themself appear better and more experienced than anyone around. They may lie to gain respect.
When they lie about all of their accomplishments, other people seem to get jealous, making them feel good.
A narcissist may tell lies about their past sexual partners or who they are actually fantasizing about when having sex with you.
This is all done to maintain their control. The less you know, the less you can hurt their ego, which in reality is entirely fragile.
Narcissists want to feel that they live in their own secret empire, one you are not a part of and know nothing of.
Accepting their little white lies about where they ate lunch and what time they got off work will help you avoid unnecessary confrontation.
8. They want the thrill of cheating and not getting caught
Once again, this is a power thing. Personality traits that narcissists lack are empathy and guilt.
If you or your partner is cheating, a few things will happen. First, either one person feels guilty and confesses. Or the cheater confesses with intentions of leaving their partner.
Last, the cheater finds out, and they separate or stay together.
When dealing with a narcissist, you have somebody cheating that feels no guilt. They do not consider that they are hurting their partner.
This means that as long as they get away with it, the cheating will probably go on. The pleasure of not getting caught also strokes their ego. And gives them more motivation to continue.
Narcissists act superior because, deep down, they feel inferior. In the bedroom, this might look something like calling their partner names or playing rough to make themself more aroused. The idea here is to gain confidence.
When a narcissist suddenly begins to feel vulnerable, their goal is to make others feel worse.
During sex, I would use the example of a narcissist feeling vulnerable because they cannot please their partner. But, that wouldn’t be accurate. Because narcissists are only out for their own satisfaction.
Quite frankly, they are not concerned about whether or not they give their partner an orgasm.
So we can use the example again of a narcissistic male not being able to get it up. This is something safe to say that makes everyone embarrassed.
So now we have a limp and vulnerable narcissistic male. The only way to get his confidence back is to make himself feel superior to his partner.
This is where the criticism comes in. He will blame it on his partner, saying something along the lines of, “I can’t get it up because you’re too fat, and I’m totally disgusted by you.”
A comment like this gives him power, potentially giving him a hard-on. As well as making him feel more confident about himself because he has convinced himself that he is the perfect specimen.
10. They want to weaponize sex
Anger and aggressive behavior are common in narcissism. When their deep-rooted issues come to light, they lose control and act out. Sex is an easy way to regain power and release aggression.
But, this can be dangerous to the receiver in an unstable relationship. This is where sexual abuse arises.
“S&M,” meaning sadism and masochism, comes to mind here. These are practices commonly known in the sexual world. Where the giver and/or receiver gets pleasure from sexually violent acts.
In this situation, the narcissist would be the one in control. An example would be them getting off by tying somebody up and gagging them during sex.
Really at the end of the day, if you’re in a relationship where this is happening, you are either into it too or condone the behavior. Or you are being abused.
11. They want to ignore your feelings
In their eyes, you are only in their world to meet their needs, for their benefit. They do not care about your feelings because they are entirely self-centered.
So if whatever you are doing for them stops, like having sex or giving them money, drugs, or a place to live, they will be gone before you can say, “narcissist.”
You may get an orgasm out of the deal if they have learned that the only way they get off is by getting you off first.
When you confide your feelings to them, it goes in one ear and out the other. Because unless it has to do with them and their life, they don’t care.
They have no empathy. If you say something that they don’t like, they will completely ignore the statement as if you didn’t say anything.
They have little desire to create an intimate relationship that would involve, say, real conversations.
12. They want you to feel entitled to have sex with them
Why wouldn’t you want to have sex with me? I’m so awesome. Sexual entitlement sounds something like this. In a million years, they just can’t think of any reason that you wouldn’t want to be with them.
Or, they may think they deserve sex because of something they did for you. Tit for tat.
“I took out the garbage today.” Or, “I feel like having sex now, so let's go.” If you aren’t in the mood, you might get some nasty comments thrown your way, or better yet, you might get forced into it.
Narcissists just assume that when they want sex, they should get it from whomever and whenever they desire. They might just straight up demand it from you like it’s normal to do so.
13. They want aggression or violence
Back to the idea of S&M, violence during sex makes narcissists feel powerful and in control. It’s also a way for them to get out their feelings. God forbid they ever cry. Their feelings come out in rage.
Maybe you’re giving your boyfriend a blow job, and he holds your head down and pushes harder when you start to resist. A narcissist may bite you, hit you, or push you against a wall while getting intimate.
I imagine that a girl being on top of her narcissistic boyfriend during sex wouldn’t fly because suddenly they have lost control.
If you’re a person that likes it a little bit rough and you can emotionally separate the violent or aggressive actions during sex from how you and your partner feel about each other, then this could work for you and even turn you on.
Some people are just looking to get laid and are aroused by rough play. Again, having no emotional connection to the person you’re sleeping with is helpful, and both parties can benefit as long as you’re both on the same page.
Lauren Cook-McKay is the Vice President of Marketing at DivorceAnswers.com. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) from the University of San Diego and applies her training in private practice to helping couples struggling in their marriage. She believes there is hope in all marriages and strives to provide therapy to couples that will lead them back towards a loving marriage, or an amicable divorce that brings peace and closure.
