If you’re here on this page, chances are you’re either concerned that you’re bad in bed or you think your partner is.
Making love is a skill anyone can learn, but not everyone does.
So that means that a man can be bad in bed, but thankfully it doesn't have to be permanent.
But what actually makes a man bad in bed?
When discussing what makes a man bad in bed, you may think it’s all physical capabilities.
Some may think of size, some may think of how long they last, while others may think of the amount of foreplay. While all of this can affect lovemaking, it’s usually not the main factor.
Having sex can be mind-blowing and toe-curling with the right partner, but bad sex isn’t always based on skill. Many times, the issues are on more of an emotional level or just bad manners in the bedroom.
Here's 4 examples of what makes a man bad in bed and how you or your partner can focus on improvement.
1. Bad Manners in the Bedroom
It’s one thing to have bad manners at the kitchen table, but a whole other thing to lack manners when making love.
There are many ways that a person can be ill-mannered during lovemaking. Nobody wants someone selfish, rushed, or even manipulative, including in the bedroom.
If your partner only thinks of themselves during sex, you will not likely have a great time. This type of person may only think of their needs and don’t usually give back what they’ve received.
Maybe they don’t even care what you want or what you like. Regardless, sex should be something where both partners are giving 100% and thinking of the other person.
Selfishness alone can make a man bad in bed. Communicate your needs to each other for the best success.
Lack of communication during sex can really put a hindrance on lovemaking. How else will a partner know what to do if it’s not being discussed?
Nobody can assume that what a previous partner enjoyed that the next one will enjoy, too. The other problem that could make a man bad in bed is that he assumes sex should be like pornography.
Unfortunately, many people only get their idea of what sex should be based on pop culture and pornography, and not everyone can live up to those expectations.
Porn is easily accessible on the internet and constantly gives the wrong idea of what real—life sex in the bedroom will be like. Yes, some are freaks in the sheets, but this doesn’t guarantee everyone will be.
Not every girl wants to be treated like they are there solely to please the man. Sex is a two-way street where both participants should receive pleasure in ways that are comfortable for them.
You’re not going to have a great time with your partner if they’re pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do. Women can be told, “If you love me, you’ll do it.” That’s enough manipulation to make your skin crawl.
I don’t know how someone can think that makes you actually want to do something for them. If you love the man, yes, you want to please them, but if it’s something you’re not okay with, find other ways to make sex enjoyable for both of you.
If they love you, they won’t force you to do something you’re uncomfortable with. Discussing sexual pressures leads to another sign of bad manners in the bedroom—aggression instead of lovemaking.
If you love bondage and choking, that’s great! However, not everyone likes it rough. Many times in society, men are encouraged to be rough and tough men, which may make it a struggle to be gentle in the bedroom.
If you’re not into rough sex, a bite or a spank that’s too hard may be a turn-off. This lack of gentleness and care may make it feel more like a business transaction than lovemaking.
It will not be enjoyable if it’s more like work or a chore on the checklist. Making sex with your partner part of the checklist often makes sex feel rushed, putting more pressure to perform without the satisfaction and pleasure to go along with it.
Pleasure should not be taken for granted. Sex can be a great way to connect with your lover on a deeper, more spiritual level.
However, rushing this process can sometimes remove that connection that intensifies lovemaking, regardless of skill.
Many things that usually make a man bad in bed are their inabilities to reach on a personal and emotional level. But, sometimes, it’s not even a fault of their own; they may just be unable to accomplish what we’ve come to expect when having sex.
2. Unrealistic Expectations
Making love with your partner can be amazing, but sometimes it’s just not. Sometimes the problem in the bedroom isn’t always the other person’s fault; sometimes, it’s ourselves that is the problem.
What we expect to happen in the bedroom is based on our knowledge. Maybe we learned from the birds and the bees talk from our parents (eek!), or perhaps even a discussion with some friends.
Our ideas of what to expect are often from what we see in pop culture through TV, magazines, social media, etc. Unfortunately, sometimes what we expect in the bedroom isn’t what our partner can or even wants to deliver.
3. Lack of Self Confidence
Sometimes, a man may have the skill but lacks the confidence to perform to his best ability. Whenever anyone gets nervous or doesn’t feel as confident in whatever they’re doing, they tend to do it slightly sloppily and are hesitant to perform.
If this is the case, you may need to help him to relax and realize it’s okay.
Sex should be like a dance. You both feel the rhythm and, naturally, move along with it. A man may be bad in bed if he’s nervous about performing.
This could be due to not having enough experience or being intimidated, wondering whether or not he has the ability to please you. Take the time to get to know each other and help make the bedroom a place to be open with each other and free.
Okay, we’ve finally reached the part most people probably expected would make a man bad in bed-his lack of skills in the bedroom. This part will most likely be personal preference.
Maybe he’s too fast or too slow. Perhaps he’s too rough or not rough enough. He will base his performance on what he thinks you expect, and you’ll be rating it based on what you are expecting.
The lack of skills can make a man bad in bed, but the good news is, this isn’t permanent.
How To Improve a Man’s Performance
The best way to help a man improve his performance is to enhance the communication between you and practice, practice, practice. Many things can improve communication and can improve your bedroom experience.
Improve Your Connection
Sex isn’t everything. The best connection is connecting on a deeper and more intimate level. The passion between you will keep the fire burning in the bedroom.
The closer you are to each other, the better you’ll understand them and their mind: the better mental connection, the better physical connection. You’ll know more about what the person needs and desires intimately. Maybe he’ll learn he needs to be a gentle lover, or perhaps they need a rough ride from you.
Don’t Fake It
Faking it will only make matters worse during sex. You’re giving the impression that what they’re doing is the right thing, and he’ll likely continue doing it the same way. You’ll need to be open and honest about what you like and what you don’t.
Show and Tell
Your partner must know your desires when wanting him to improve. Make sure you word those desires in a non-condescending way. If he’s stopping something too soon, say something like, “Ooh, that’s feeling so nice. Is there any way we could do more of that?” Find sexy ways to express what it is you want.
You could try physically showing him how exactly it is that you want it. You can show him by guiding his hands, letting him watch you perform the act to yourself, or showing him by doing those things to him.
You can do something to him, like playing with his nipples in a way you’d prefer or practicing on his finger to show you how you’d like him to go down south with his mouth.
Make sure that it’s a two-way street. It’s best if you’re both learning about each other and focusing on both your needs.
The best way to improve is to practice, practice, and practice more. Continue down the path of learning and discovering and trying new things. Make sure to dedicate a night or two a week to having sex and make each other a priority.
While practicing, it helps to increase your foreplay and slow down. Take the time to get to know each other physically and enjoy the process.
Final Thoughts
What makes a man bad in bed isn’t always what’s expected. The technique does play a role, but so does their behavior. A selfish, rushed, or manipulative man is definitely not what’s desired in the bedroom.
The good news is that whatever makes a man bad in bed is usually something that can be worked on and fixed if desired and only if given the opportunity.
Lauren Cook-McKay is the Vice President of Marketing at DivorceAnswers.com. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) from the University of San Diego and applies her training in private practice to helping couples struggling in their marriage. She believes there is hope in all marriages and strives to provide therapy to couples that will lead them back towards a loving marriage, or an amicable divorce that brings peace and closure.
