Marital disputes are not fun for anybody. A threatened or impending divorce is a scary idea. It is a life change with potential financial and legal consequences and signals the end of a long-term relationship.
Most people do not desire this loss of love. Your spouse is often your best friend, partner, and greatest ally.
So, what do you do when faced with the end of your marriage? You could let your spouse walk away and destroy your union. However, you probably do not want this to happen.
If your wife has left or is threatening to leave, there are ways to win her back and regain the love that should last a lifetime. To help you with this, we have put together a comprehensive guide to keeping your wife by your side.
Follow our simple steps and hopefully, you will once again be on your way to spending the rest of your days with your one true love.
Communicate With Her
According to psychologists (and just about anybody else you might ask), communication is one of the essential factors in any partnership. Marriage is no exception.
Over time, married couples may communicate less and fall into mundane routines.
This backslide can contribute to the breakdown of the relationship, causing one or both of you to practice infidelity, harbor resentments, or fall out of love with each other.
However, it is never too late to improve your communication.
One fatal mistake that many men make when working on their communication is making it one-sided. Communication in a marriage does not always mean talking more to (or at) your wife.
Communication also means listening.
Often, your wife feels unheard. She might think that you do not listen to anything she says, which leads her to believe she is not a priority in your life.
If a woman feels insignificant or like you ignore her, she will quickly become disillusioned with your relationship.
Do your best to remember the early days of your courtship. You probably recall hours spent being regaled by stories, laughing together, sharing your fears and hopes for the future, and getting to know each other.
It is inevitable in most relationships that we feel like we run out of things to discuss. The conversation becomes less exciting and more mundane.
We now briefly discuss bills and hardships. Rarely do we discuss our dreams and aspirations.
Start by addressing the issues in your marriage. What has gotten you to this point?
You have to talk about these things openly and honestly, without fear or holding back.
Did one or both of you cheat? Does your wife feel unloved? Were you having financial problems? Did your marriage contain fundamental disagreements that you need to resolve?
These are the questions that you need to address with yourself. Next, bring it up to your wife.
There may be a hidden reason for the breakdown of your marriage that she did not reveal because of the poor communication between you.
Let her know that it is safe to talk about it with you and that you will not respond aggressively or out of anger. If she knows that you do not want to fight, she will be more willing to open up.
However, communication is not just important when addressing the problems in your relationship. You also have a duty as a husband to communicate your feelings towards your wife.
Show her and tell her that you love her. Make her feel confident and secure in your affections. This is a vital part of a healthy marriage. You must communicate the positive aspects of your relationship.
Show your wife that you can be vulnerable. Reveal how difficult it is for you to open up and communicate and let her know that you are trying and need her help.
Speak frankly and ask her to discuss your issues so that you know what you are working towards.
Make sure that she knows you will listen more than you will talk. Make her feel heard. Paraphrase her concerns by repeating them back to her in your own words. This way, she knows you are listening.
Getting everything out on the table will help with the next step.
Set Goals Together
Once you have laid all of your issues out honestly and openly with your partner, it’s time to figure out where you want to go from here.
With your wife, decide what goals you would like to meet. These goals should be a combination of short-term and long-term milestones.
Write them down and decide how you will meet your goals together and how you will know that you have been successful in attaining your goals.
Some goals are obvious, such as “repair the marriage.”
However, you and your wife will have to focus on the smaller milestones that will help you discern whether or not you have repaired your marriage to the point that it is salvageable.
The desired result is a healthy union with two happy spouses.
Some examples of short-term goals are:
Learning how to effectively communicate issues as they arise and talking through them without either party responding in anger.
Putting aside an allotted amount of time to spend together each week.
Attending therapy individually and as a couple and achieving both personal and marital growth.
Moving beyond past issues and letting go of resentment towards each others’ mistakes.
Setting goals like these can be difficult and require a lot of thought and effective communication. Sit down together and write everything out.
In addition to setting goals, try to form a plan with your wife for meeting them. How will you know when you have learned effective communication?
How can you tell that you have released resentment towards each other for the big fight you had a year ago? What will you use to measure personal growth?
These are the things you and your wife must discuss and write down. It can be useful to consult with a therapist for an outside opinion during this process.
Put in the Work
Repairing your marriage is a great concept that sounds good spoken aloud. You can make promises, set goals, and talk it out until you both turn blue.
However, the only way to truly win back your wife is by showing her that you are willing to change and adapt and be the man that she deserves. For many men, this means putting in the work.
You can’t fix your relationship by working overtime and throwing money at the problem or by making promises that you never follow through with. You will have to truly listen to your wife and accept what is important to her.
If you decide to attend marriage and/or individual counseling, simply attending is not enough to make progress. You have to work with the therapist and try to make the appropriate changes in your life.
If your wife expresses that she needs more help in the marriage (such as housework, financial responsibility, childcare, or other needs), you will have to learn how to provide these things and prove to her that you are capable.
If you have been unfaithful, you have to make an effort to renounce all outside relationships and show your wife that she is the only one for you- and you have to mean it.
Show her that you are willing to take accountability for your actions (which might mean some very uncomfortable conversations together!) and that you wish to change.
Remember, this is forever. You don’t want to win your wife back and then go back to your old ways. Make sure that you are truly willing to change and make her the center of your world.
To prove this, you may have to be transparent in a way that is uncomfortable for you.
“Putting in the work” can mean many things depending on what kind of work is needed in your partnership.
However, the most important part is that you are making a real attempt at fixing your union and not just using the old “fake it ‘til you make it” method.
Give Her Space
You may feel that this is counterintuitive. If you want your wife to feel your love and affection and come back to you, you might feel that you need to be around her often and be “wooing” her with over-the-top gestures.
While romance is important, don't crowd her. Depending on the circumstances of your split or threatened split, your wife may need some space.
If she sets boundaries, be sure to show that you respect and honor her by respecting those boundaries.
She could need the time away from you to think about how to best repair the relationship and determine what she needs from you to move forward together. Give her this space and exhibit patience and understanding.
Giving your wife space might also mean allowing her time for a social life or hobbies outside of your marriage. Many women lack time to themselves outside of the home, and it’s important that you as her husband make her feel safe and valued by giving her this time.
Like the adage says, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Your spouse’s time away from you may just show her how much she desires time with you, making it a win-win situation for you both.
Be Patient and Consistent
Patience is a virtue, even though it can be very hard. We know it’s not easy to be patient when your future hangs in the balance.
Your wife needs to see that you are willing to wait it out. If you try to rush the process along and win her back before she is ready, she may feel frustrated and unheard.
Let her make decisions at her own pace, but stay consistent. Consistency in this case means showing your wife that you will be there for her every day, no matter what.
She has to know that you will not give up on your marriage even if the healing and forgiveness process is taking her longer than you desire.
Be persistent and remind her that you love her and want the marriage to work out, but that you are willing to wait for her to come around on her terms.
Patience and consistency are key to restoring the union. Combined with open communication and putting in the necessary work, you have a recipe for a long and healthy marriage.
Make Assurances
One of the most important aspects of marriage is making your spouse feel loved. This is especially pertinent during times of trouble.
Your wife needs to know that you care about her, understand her, and will always love her.
Reassure her of this often. Remind her that you will always be by her side. Frequently list the reasons why you love her and forever will.
If something is going wrong, reassure her that you can and will work together to fix it. Women need to hear you say these things so that she feels secure in your relationship.
When trying to win your wife back, consistently assure her that she is the one for you- and vice versa.
Be Affectionate
Women want to feel loved. While you should not pressure her for sex during this difficult time, a little affection goes a long way.
Of course, you can make grand gestures and big shows of your love by giving her elaborate gifts or making a public announcement of just how much you care for her.
These actions are great but they are meaningless if your day-to-day life is lacking affection.
Even small shows of affection, like holding hands on the couch or touching her arm as you pass by her will be meaningful. Send her a small bouquet and an accompanying note to her worksite.
Have lunch delivered unprompted when you know she is working on a big project. Hire a babysitter and offer her a spa day. Bring her small meaningful gifts, give her a massage, leave little notes around reminding her that you love her, or send her a sweet text when you are apart.
Even giving her more frequent hugs or cuddling in front of a movie are effective ways to show you care.
Men and women often communicate differently. She may think that you are cold and withdrawn, while you may not think twice about your interactions. Make the extra effort to show her that you love her by being affectionate.
Don't Expect Sex
If your marriage is in turmoil, sex will be the last thing on your wife’s mind.
This goes double if the reason she has left you is because of a misstep on your part, like infidelity or lying.
If you push her for sex, your wife will think that is your main motivation for wanting to repair your marriage. While a fulfilling sex life is an essential part of a healthy marriage, your marriage is not healthy yet.
Therefore, sex is not as important as it might be later. Right now, you should prioritize fixing the problems that caused your marital rift and proving to your wife that your marriage is worth saving.
If you want to move forward together, you will both have to leave the past behind you.
Don’t bring up her mistakes (or yours). If your wife wants to talk about them, be accommodating and discuss whatever she needs (remember our section on open and honest communication), but don’t continuously remind her of the misdeeds that got you here.
Past issues can lead to future resentments, so once you have talked them out and come up with a solution, you and your wife need to be willing to let go.
Take a clean slate approach to your relationship and focus on what is in front of you, not behind you.
Be Positive
It’s easy to fall into a pattern of negativity and depression when faced with the potential end of your marriage. This will not have a good effect on your wife or on your goal of getting back together.
Instead, show your wife that you are confident that you two can fix your relationship and keep your attitude upbeat. Your positive demeanor will be contagious and will encourage your wife to seek the reparations that you desire.
Be a Man
Despite what she may have said or done historically, your wife needs you to step up and prove that you can care for her.
Not that we want to reinforce harmful gender roles and stereotypes, but if your marriage is in danger, “manning up” may be what saves it.
Show your wife that you are willing to contribute and take care of her and your relationship.
This might mean taking on a bigger share of housework, coming over to tend to yard work (if you are living apart during your separation), contributing to the bills, or offering assistance with other tasks.
Prove to your wife that you are strong and capable and will stop at nothing to be her husband and provider.
Woo Her Like You Did Before Marriage
One of the biggest reasons people “fall out of love” is because their partner stops trying. Show her that the guy she fell in love with is still in there.
You can perform grand romantic gestures as we mentioned earlier, but try to remember what caused the two of you to fall in love.
Did you go for walks in the park and talk for hours? Did you have romantic candlelit dinners? Did you go hiking and share in the excitement of a mountaintop view?
Revisit the site of your first date, reconnect with your shared interests, and commit to including these elements in your relationship moving forward.
Romance is not just for the “courtship” portion of a relationship. Your entire marriage should be filled with adventure and excitement.
Commit to capturing your wife’s heart over and over throughout the rest of your lives. You will be sure to win her back if she feels that butterfly-in-the-tummy feeling that so many feel early in a courtship.
Support Your Wife’s Interests
This is a big one. Make sure that your wife knows she is important and supported and can do what she wants. She needs time for hobbies, education, career, and other things she is interested in pursuing.
Be an enthusiastic supporter of your wife’s interests and encourage her to discover more. As we pointed out earlier, she needs time away to realize how much she misses and loves you.
She should spend that time doing things that she enjoys and knowing that you are behind her.
Work On Yourself
Don’t just pretend to be getting better… get better.
Work on taking on more responsibility around the house, if needed. Women are typically responsible for much of the emotional labor in a relationship, which leads to stress and even divorce.
To alleviate this, start making appointments for yourself instead of making her do it.
Keep a calendar of important dates and don’t put the responsibility on your wife to keep your schedule and remind you of appointments, birthdays, anniversaries, bill due dates, and more.
If you need to learn emotional regulation or need to attend therapy, commit to following through. If you are a workaholic, make family time and hobbies a priority.
Find ways to improve yourself as a person and make it happen. When your wife sees your dedication to becoming a better man, she will feel more confident in your marriage.
Fight Hard for Her
Your wife needs to know that you are committed to her. Do not give up.
If she is moving on with another man, show her why you were always her first choice, and make her yours.
If she demands change, make it happen. Show her consistency every day, and make her feel sure that you are in this for the long run.
Try Marriage Counseling
As we said, put in the work. Marriage counseling is a great tool for repairing a broken marriage. Many couples counselors know how to get you and your wife communicating and get you on the right track.
Men often resist couples therapy because they feel it is invasive or unnecessary. If this is you, just let go and trust the process.
Your wife will appreciate the change of heart and your willingness to step out of your comfort zone to make your union work.
Conclusion
Sometimes marriages just don’t work out, and that’s okay. However, you can fight for your spouse and show her that you are dedicated to fixing your marriage.
By following our simple tips and putting in some hard work, you can win back your wife, make her love you again, and have a long and healthy marriage. Good luck!
Lauren Cook-McKay is the Vice President of Marketing at DivorceAnswers.com. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) from the University of San Diego and applies her training in private practice to helping couples struggling in their marriage. She believes there is hope in all marriages and strives to provide therapy to couples that will lead them back towards a loving marriage, or an amicable divorce that brings peace and closure.
