Everyone knows that divorce rates are high, but no one thinks they are on the heartbreaking end of those statistics. We don’t enter a marriage thinking it will end in infidelity.
To some, these situations come out of nowhere. To others, the signs have been slowly creeping up on them. If you suspect your partner is cheating but aren’t sure if it’s all in your head, use our advice to brush off any doubt!
We will help you vocalize what cheating means to you, why it could be happening, and the signs your wife could be showing you that you might not be aware of.
And if it turns out the worst is true and she did cheat on you, we will guide you to the road of recovery.
What Is Considered Cheating?
You might think the answer to this question is obvious, but everyone views the world differently. To some, watching porn is a form of cheating. To others, flirting with a friend is crossing a line even though it's clear nothing is going on.
Many people think that a New Year’s Kiss shared amongst friends is a platonic form of celebration, but to others, it’s a massive betrayal of trust.
You cannot assume that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to infidelity. Instead, you must communicate to each other where your boundaries are. Opening up this conversation and asking how your partner feels will show you how they see the world and how they experience love.
Your partner might explain that physical contact, like holding hands, kisses on the cheek, and hugs, are a normal part of friendship, but buying gifts and sharing cuddles on the coach are more intimate.
With this insight, those questionable moments between your partner and her friend will seem more innocent.
Why Do Wives Cheat?
There can be a wide range of reasons why a spouse might cheat, but they all tend to come down to 4 things.
A lack of self-esteem, a lack of love, the feeling of neglect, and unfulfilled sexual desire all of which can turn a marriage toxic if not addressed immediately.
Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is how you value yourself. People who have low self-esteem tend to look for validation around their lives to boost their self-esteem, or they look for negative things in their life to prove the negativity.
Sometimes a person’s low self-esteem will cause them to create a social bubble around themselves, rejecting everyone around them.
This makes their partner lonely, and like a self-fulfilling prophecy, the thought that you are not good enough for your wife seems to come true as she finds another person to share her life with.
Another way in which self-esteem can affect a marriage is when a partner loses confidence in themselves and searches for someone to pull them up.
This is a road they need to walk down themselves, but that doesn’t mean you cannot be by her side. Ask her what she wants, and find the solution together.
If she takes the road alone, she may discover validation in someone else.
Lack of Love
A lack of love is not the same as low self-esteem because you can love your partner and not feel worthy of them. A lack of love is when the spark between the two of you has died, and it seems as though you cannot rekindle the flame.
Although the lost connection may make you feel lonely, it is not a valid reason to break their trust.
Unfortunately, there is little you can do when someone no longer sees you in the light they once did.
Neglect
Neglect can form when emotional connections dip. Your partner may wish that you spent more time with them, or took them for dates, or simply laughed with them more.
When one person in a couple has a stressful time, they often focus on themselves to get through the tough period. A spouse would expect to look after and protect their partner during this hard time.
But if the event doesn’t seem to end, and the partner keeps putting you first, they will feel the emotional withdrawal of neglect.
It’s in these times that your wife may look for someone to look after her, emotionally. Just a simple connection with another person can make your partner feel loved again.
When these old feelings of happiness and control come back to those who were neglected, 62.8 percent are likely to form strong bonds with this new person who has supported them.
Sexual Desire
Everyone has different sexual libidos, which is why (like cheating) you need to understand how your partner feels and not assume they are on the same wavelength as you.
Your partner might be sexually interested in things they don’t feel comfortable telling you, so instead, they hold in their sexual desire, and it is released in flings they instantly regret.
Having an open and honest conversion about your sex life can expand your sexual intimacy.
25 Signs Your Wife Is Cheating On You
If you are looking at this list, you might already feel that something is wrong.
Is your wife cheating on you? Here's 25 cheating wife signs to find out if she is having an extramarital affair.
1. Your Wife Guards Her Phone
Everyone is entitled to their privacy, and there might be a valid reason for your wife to hide her phone from you. Maybe she's buying you a birthday present, or is planning a surprise trip.
But if you notice that her attitude around boundaries has changed recently, then this might be a cause for concern.
Ask your wife why her guard has gone up, and explain that you are concerned. If you pry too often, your partner will become more private, so be open and honest about why the change has worried you.
2. Her Social Media Habits Have Changed
We all go through times where we post constantly and then not at all, so seeing these types of changes isn’t unusual.
But if you notice that your partner seems to be on their phone a lot but not active on your social media, then they may have a “Finsta” account.
A “Finsta” is a fake Instagram account, often used by teenagers to keep their social life away from their parent’s eyes. They can be their goofy self without upsetting their guardians.
If your partner is cheating, they may have created a “Finsta” to create a fake version of themselves online. Without a connection to you, they are free to talk to and flirt with whomever they want.
If you find that you’re not talking to your partner as much or all of your conversations are stale, then there is definitely something wrong.
“Stonewalling” is when someone stops talking to you altogether, they might do this as a technique to collect themself before a conversation, or it might be a sign that they no longer care what you think.
Stonewalling is when:
Your partner ignores you
Your partner changes the subject on an uncomfortable topic
Your partner storms out to stop a conversation
Your partner refuses to answer questions
Your partner acts passive aggressively (for example, procrastinating, avoiding housework, making things unnecessarily uncomfortable)
4. Changes In Your Sex Life
Introducing new elements to your sex life is a great way to reconnect, so don’t dismiss your partner as a cheat just because something new is put on the table.
However, if you get the feeling that “you’re not doing it right.” It might be because your partner is doing this technique with someone else.
Ask her where she got the inspiration from, so you can learn it better. If she refuses to tell you, then something is up.
On the other hand, if your sex life has dramatically slowed down and you are no longer sexually satisfied, you need to figure out why. She might be upset, and that’s caused everything to become less sexy, or she might be getting her desires elsewhere.
Lastly, if you develop a sexually transmitted infection and you haven’t been sleeping with someone else, then your partner might have received it from someone new.
You may have noticed that some of the things your wife has been saying to you don’t add up.
When you asked why she was late home, she said there was traffic, but you already looked at the traffic app when you realized she was late, and they said the roads were clear.
If your partner is lying about little things like this, it can make you wonder what else she is hiding from you.
Sure, she could have stayed late to eat takeout rather than attempt to swallow your food, but wouldn’t it be better for her to say you're a lousy cook?
6. Hard To Get Hold Of When She’s Doing Errands
If your partner is out doing errands, then it won't be a huge surprise if she doesn’t answer her phone straight away.
But if you know she's often glued to her screen; she should come back to it every 5 or 10 minutes.
Long periods of time between texts can be an indication that she's distracted. A brief “hello” to a friend she met at the mall is different from hours of silence.
It's possible she's hanging out with someone else, which is why she doesn’t have time to talk to you.
7. She’s Buying You More Gifts
You may think that more gifts are a sign of a happy and healthy relationship, but they can also be a sign of guilt.
If you find the gifts random and out of place, ask yourself these questions:
Are the gifts generic?
Did she give you a reason for the presents?
Were they given after a long period of silence?
Are they being used to stop you from asking questions?
If you said yes to any of the questions, then these gifts may have a dark ulterior motive.
8. Going Out With Friends You Don’t Recognize
Having a separate social life is important to maintain your sense of self in a relationship, but if your partner has new friends that she cannot explain, something might be wrong.
If your wife has joined a new club or has said there is a new person at her work, then it makes sense that her friendship group has expanded, but if these new friends have come out of nowhere, she may have found them on a dating app.
9. Irregularities In Your Bank Account
Some couples have shared bank accounts; others have a separate one. The likelihood is, if you live together, you have at least one shared account to pay the household bills on.
If you put all your money into one pot, it will be obvious when the figures don’t match up. If you find a charge for a restaurant on the day that your partner was meant to be running errands, then this is clear evidence that she has been lying.
But the likelihood is that your partner will be smarter than that. Instead, she might tell you that she needs to take some money out, and you see a cash payment on your accounts that confirms that; “Money for a rainy day.”
She may then use this cash to pay for days out without the location flashing up on your bank statement.
10. Gets A Separate Credit Card
You may already own separate bank accounts, and if that's the case, then this point is null and void. But if you normally share all of your money, opening a separate credit card account is an off move.
This might be a sign that your wife is moving money in preparation to leave. The situation may not be as dramatic as that, so ask your partner why she needs a separate credit card.
Remember that your credit rating will be tied together due to your joint accounts, so it’s a valid question to wonder how her credit future is progressing.
11. Changed Her Appearance
Some people change their appearance as often as the world changes season, but most only create a new wardrobe when they need a change in their life. Like a classic movie montage, a haircut can symbolize and change on the inside.
If you can see that something in your wife’s life connects to her need for change, then her new appearance doesn’t have to be a cause for concern.
A stressful job and new hobby are all she needs to spark off a new look, but if nothing is pointing to a clear new direction for your partner, then you need to think about where this change has come from.
If she cannot give you a straight answer, and her explanations seem lackluster, then she is hiding something.
12. Isn’t Interested In Your Social Life
It is normal to have a separate life from your partner. Having different interests is a healthy way to ensure you don’t lose yourself when you join together with another person.
But just as you should take an interest in her life, she needs to take an interest in yours too.
If you bring up your hobbies, and she isn’t happy to see your face beam in excitement, then it means her empathy for you has gone. She should be glad to see you happy, even if she has no idea what you are talking about.
Saying “you should talk about that with your friends” is a way to manipulate the conversation, so she doesn’t need to talk about your interests anymore.
Sure, if you are talking in-depth and constantly, then this statement is valid, but if you have just started, then you have every right to be upset.
13. She’s Avoiding You
Your spouse is meant to be one of the closest people in your life, if not the closest person. In the “honeymoon” phase, you will want to spend every second with each other, will have your hands all over each other and simply cannot get enough.
After a couple of years, this feeling might die down, but the love and connection should still be there.
If your wife no longer wants to spend time with you, this should be a massive red flag. You are meant to be her number one person, and even if she has a super best friend, you should at least be in her top 5.
If your wife is avoiding you, she either doesn’t want to be in your company or feels guilty about something. Either way, you need to ask her why she’s so distant.
14. Gets Angry With You More
A marriage won’t always be sunshine and rainbows. You will have a hard time with miscommunication, opposing goals, and confusing dilemmas.
In these moments of heartache, you might get angrier at your partner, and they might be more angry at you. But when the storm settles, you should be able to get back to the equilibrium you had before.
If this rift between you lasts for a long time, then it could spell disaster. Can the anger be melted with understanding and time, or does it seem to get worse without any explanation?
Mending the rift will be important to move on, but if it feels as though your partner keeps bringing up a moment from the past, she could be using this old issue as a reason to be mad at you.
If she can tell herself you’ve done something wrong, then it makes cheating on you more justified.
15. Spends Less Time With You
We have already talked about how avoiding you is a problem, but if you notice that your partner is in the same room as you but isn’t really spending time with you, then this should be ringing alarm bells too.
This is a form of mental divorcing, where she can separate herself from you in her mind and do her own thing.
At this point, it is unlikely that she’s cheating on you, but if you don’t remedy the situation soon, she may find someone to spend her time with, and closing that line from disinterest to cheating won’t be too hard.
If you often go on vacations, enjoy shopping sprees, or dabble in expensive gifts for yourself and your partner, then you should expect the same level of affluence as the years go by.
But if your wife is suddenly disinterested in vacations and doesn’t want to spend a lot of your joint money, then there might be something amiss.
Financial situations will change throughout your lifetime, so a tighter budget could reflect your current circumstances, but a dip in “fun money” without an explanation could suggest that your wife is already planning something big.
She might be trying to gather money to give to her new partner or to leave you.
17. Doesn’t Attend Family/Friends Events
Your friends and family are part of your social circle, and when you are in a marriage, they will be part of your partners too. If your wife isn’t happy, she might try to start distancing herself from you, and one way to do that is to lower her connections to your social circle.
This type of distancing will mean that she doesn’t have to put on a face around people who can look in at your relationship from the outside. She doesn’t have to lie or bluff her way through a social situation that could otherwise “out” her and her secret life.
18. She Acts Bored And Indifferent Towards Your Life
Every family has its own routines. Maybe you have Pizza Night Wednesdays or Board Games Sundays.
If these casual events once excited her, but now she isn’t bothered, then you have found another sign that your wife is checking out of your relationship.
She will only have so much energy to pretend that everything is okay, and eventually, she will need to drop the facade.
19. Admits She Isn’t Happy
If your wife has told you she's not happy, don’t dismiss it. She's opening up to you and hoping that you can both get past this moment to fix the problem or end the marriage altogether.
Hearing the words “I’m not happy” will be devastating, but the clear communication should be enough to tell you what you need to do.
The likelihood is, you have both felt this rift for a long time, but hearing it is another thing altogether. This is not the time to get angry; it is not the time to bargain with her. Instead, you should talk and figure out what to do next.
If your wife then goes on to say, “I’ve been seeing someone else,” then you have heard it from her lips. She has cheated on you. Maybe not physically, but emotionally.
Enough for this second relationship to feature as a reason to end the current one.
20. No Longer Says ‘I Love You’
Words have meaning, and their frequency does too. If you notice that your wife doesn’t say “I love you” without you saying it first, or she doesn’t say it every day like she used to, then she may be stepping back from the relationship mentally.
You may notice that she does say she loves you, but the enthusiasm has gone. The words have lost their meaning, and have simply turned into a greeting.
21. She Hangs Out With Her Single Friends More
We’ve said it once, we’ve said it twice, we’ll say it a hundred times. It's good to have a separate social life to keep your sense of self.
But if your partner is hanging out with her single friends more often than before, and joining in on their single culture lifestyle (like going to clubs), then this might be a hint that she's relearning the dating scene.
22. Accuses You Of Having An Affair
To throw you off the scent, your wife might accuse you of being a cheater. This manipulative strategy will make you defensive and might even push you into the arms of another woman. Her goal is to make you the bad guy, to excuse her own actions.
23. She’s Cheated In The Past
If someone has cheated in their past, it could mean they didn’t value their previous partner, or they didn’t know how to end a relationship. If your wife has cheated in the past, you need to figure out which category she falls into.
Open communication can stop the latter problem from happening again.
24. Chooses A Hobby That Requires A Fair Amount Of Commitment
We’ve all seen it on TV, where a spouse takes up a running class or a pottery class, or something that means that they have to spend hours and hours a week away from home.
It’s a good excuse, and if you had no reason to, you wouldn’t suspect that something sinister was happening.
25. She Does Her Own Thing In The Night
Everyone needs alone time so they can recharge from a day of socializing. But if you find that your wife often needs the nights to herself, and this behavior is different, you may find that she needs time away from you too.
If you realize that she is spending that time talking to strangers online or watching porn. This could be the first step to sexual distance.
Next Step: What To Do If Your Wife Cheats
So now you’ve seen the signs, and you have confronted your wife. She admits she has cheated, and you're both left wondering, what comes next?
Seek Professional Advice & Support Group
Although talking to your friends and family might help, they will have formed a bond with your wife and so may end up making you feel worse about your situation.
Instead, talk to professionals or support groups. They will be neutral and keep your recovery in mind, instead of bringing up history or “he said, she said” confusion.
A therapist can help you communicate your feelings and process your emotions to help you either heal your relationship or realize that it’s over.
Remember To Care Of Yourself
During this time, people often fall into a state of depression. They might become physically ill with nausea, diarrhea, sleeping problems, shakiness, or an inability to concentrate.
You may also feel disconnected from the world, making you forget to eat, no longer taste food, stop drinking or stop exercising.
Being aware that these issues can happen to you, will help you set up boundaries for yourself, to make yourself eat, and get medical advice to help with your symptoms.
Consider Getting A Divorce
Once all is said and done, you need to look at your relationship and really think if you can trust your wife ever again. Do you think you will be happy in this marriage, and do you think she will be happy too?
Protecting yourself emotionally from the pain of staying in a loveless marriage is worth more than attaching yourself to someone who does not value you.
Many of the signs we have shown you above could be easily taken out of context in your relationship. But when the signs start to mount up, you can no longer deny that your partner is cheating on you.
Confront her, and tell her your worries, all the while making sure you care for yourself.
Lauren Cook-McKay is the Vice President of Marketing at DivorceAnswers.com. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) from the University of San Diego and applies her training in private practice to helping couples struggling in their marriage. She believes there is hope in all marriages and strives to provide therapy to couples that will lead them back towards a loving marriage, or an amicable divorce that brings peace and closure.
